I think I was better at living when I was younger

Sometimes I wonder if I had things more figured out when I was younger. They say you get wiser as you age; I'm not sure I buy it. It seems more like people become increasingly crippled by their own delusions and survivalistic tendencies. It can't always be the case, of course, but I'd wager it's common.

I often look back on a time in my early 20s—I must have been around 22 because it was around the time of the 2008 financial crisis—when I lived with my friend Johanna in my parents recently foreclosed house. We were living there rent-free until the bank kicked us out. I had no computer, no TV, and no smartphone. I still got mad when people texted me instead of calling me. I read every morning, worked from 6:30am til 1:30pm, napped for an hour, then road my bike or hung out with friends in the evenings. I had no dreams or aspirations and I was pretty happy with that.

Today, my mind is consumed with thoughts of what I need to do, what I want to do, what I could do.

It could be argued that a lack of aspirations earlier in life led me here, trying to make up for a lack of planning in my younger life. I think that's partially true. I didn't understand the value of savings. I don't think I did until recently to be honest. I approached life from the perspective that things would always be ok regardless of what happened. I still think that's true to a degree; I'm pretty much at rock bottom right now and I'm not dying on the street. That said, I'm not happy, and a certain amount of financial freedom would definitely remedy some of the pains I'm currently experiencing.

More than money though, my mind feel poisoned by a culture of consumption, productivity, and convenience. I try sitting down to read a book and I can't make it five lines without thinking about projects I'm working on or ways to improve my life or how I should best utilize my weekend. Should I just watch a movie instead since I can't focus anyways? Is this actually a good use of my time? Does any of it matter?

There are two primary differences that I can identify between my younger self and my current self. One is that I just didn't think long-term when I was younger. I know I was still consumed with thoughts a lot of the time, but there is a notable and persistent emphasis now on what could be. I wasn't concerned with building a better life for myself. Whether this was good or bad may be up for debate, but I was generally present and happy. The second difference is technology. Having a smartphone has increased the number of choices I have for how best to utilize my time and done so in an extremely convenient way.

So what do I do about it?

The obvious answer is to eliminate the sources of pain. Eliminate options so that all that's left is the things you want to actually interact with. Move your TV out of your bedroom, move your office out of your bedroom, throw your smartphone off a bridge. The harder problem to solve is the productivity mindset, especially when your life isn't where you want it to be. I look at friends who have good jobs and own homes and they can just exist and be content. Perhaps if I had aspirations when I was younger, I could be present and happy now. But that's not the case, and I don't think I'd be happy with their lives anyways. Maybe the answer is to just let go. Start saving money to afford myself the financial freedom to abandon situations that I'm unhappy with and then float on and stop stressing about what could be.

I don't know.