You're going to lose

I’ve noticed recently that in the back of my mind is the assumption that I might not live much longer. I’ve been dealing with a number of health issues in recent years. I’ve had a lot of friends die young.  And I think the combination of those two things has been a regular reminder to me that life is fragile. I love life, and I want to live a long one, but I’m under no illusion that it’s a guarantee, and as such, I think I’ve started operating under the belief that it’s unlikely.

And I think that’s fine.

Not that I’ve ever been a long term planner. I definitely haven’t been. Sure, I’ll occasionally plan a trip or something, but outside of fleeting moments, I’ve always struggled to take a pragmatic approach to life. Don’t ask me why. That’s just who I’ve always been. Maybe I’m just stubborn.

I guess in more recent years I have attempted to be more pragmatic. Maybe the last 10 years really. When I turned 27, I started to freak out slightly that I would be 30 soon, which meant that I’d be a real adult (lol) and I should get my shit together. I enrolled in community college with the long-term goal of at least getting a good job, or something like that. At some point I decided that I should be an accountant because I was good with organizational and rules-based tasks. I got an AS in Business Administration, but then changed my mind and started working towards a Computer Science degree.

Then COVID happened. Then I was offered a job at an analytical lab where I became an analytical chemist. Then I decided to go back to get my BS in Accounting. Then I changed my mind. Then the lab shut down. And now I’m 37 at back at square one.

Okay, maybe square two.

But my point in mentioning all of that is that a lot of last 10 years has really felt like a waste, at least regarding the energy I’ve put towards “being an adult”, whatever that means. Spending my healthy years working all the time at a job I don’t care about is not what I’m after. And assuming that I don’t have much more life to live, it makes absolutely no sense. Also, I’m just as unhappy pursuing ends that I don’t care about as I am when those pursuits fail, so I might as well be pursuing things that I actually want to. Security is a joke, and it shouldn’t be the end goal. Moving through life as if it is is the same as giving up.

We can’t all just do what we want and achieve success. Not all dreams are easily monetized and most people have to make sacrifices to be able to pursue things that they care about. The key though is remembering that those sacrifices are tools towards other ends.

Life’s going to suck no matter what you choose and in the end, you’re still going to lose. So you might as well do what you want. Just don’t be a dick.